I first ran into Dr. James Fowler, PhD, (developmental psychologist, Methodist, Director of Faith Development at Emory University) in my first class in graduate school. He has written the book, quite literally, on the stages of human faith development. He outlines six stages in how humans develop faith in a higher power. It struck a chord with me then, and it continues to echo in my daily struggle to resolve this spiritual crisis.
Check it out:
"The fourth stage is known as Individuative-Reflective. This is primarily a stage of angst and struggle, in which one must face difficult questions regarding identity and belief. Those that pass into stage four usually do so in their mid-thirties to early forties. At this time, the personality gradually detaches from the defining group from which it formerly drew its identity. The person is aware of him or herself as an individual and must--perhaps for the first time--take personal responsibility for his/her beliefs and feelings. This is a stage of de-mythologizing, where what was once unquestioned is now subjected to critical scrutiny. Stage four is heavily existential, where nothing is certain but one's own existence, and disillusionment reigns. This stage is not a comfortable place to be and, although it can last for a long time, those who stay in it do so in danger of becoming bitter, suspicious characters who trust nothing and no one. But most, after entering this stage, sense that not only is the world far more complex than his or her stage three mentality would allow for, it is still more complex and numinous than the agnostic rationality of stage four allows."
from: http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/2219.htm
Nice, right? I especially like the parts about disillusionment, and becoming a bitter, suspicious character. Oh, and the bit about this stage being particularly uncomfortable and lasting for years and years? Sweeeet.
I'm quite firmly entrenched in stage four, and struggle every day to make sense of two diametrically opposed belief systems. On the one hand, I believe in the essentials of Christianity and consider myself to be a Christian.
On the other hand, I support gay rights, a pro-choice platform, Kid Rock, tattoo parlors, beer, smoking, liberal use of the F word, co-habitation before marriage, Democrats, critical thinking, and women's rights.
My non-churchy friends say "God loves us. He wants us to be happy. Don't sweat it. You're a good person". Ok, but the Bible says three out of those four tenants are dead wrong. God does love us, true, but our happiness is not guaranteed. We should be sweating it, and I'm technically not a good person at all. My churchy friends don't say much because I don't think they really know about my divided belief structure (except the tattoo part, which is sort of obvious.)
I would sincerely, truly love to "get over" one of the branches in my belief tree. It would make things a hell of a lot easier for me if I could just look past the dissonance between my Christianity and every other belief that I hold. I've even tried ignoring the conflict for years, in the hopes that some spontaneous resolution would appear. (It didn't.) But to forsake either side of the dichotomy would be like deciding suddenly that something that profoundly guides us, like education, is just no longer something to believe in. There is no choice in the matter - education, Christianity and equal rights for all people are all fundamental and essential parts of my interpretation of this world.
So, seriously, what does one do with this? I've begun to read about Fowler's stage 5 in case there are any tips for making the jump out of this treacherous and irritating stage. Can't stop going to church, can't stop believing that women are equal to men and that missionaries are a bad idea. I can't believe that either part of this belief structure is wrong, despite the fact that they represent oppositional ideologies.
The last four years of weekly church attendance have left me more conflicted than ever on this topic. Now, more than ever, I can't walk away from either side. My training as a therapist has convinced me that ignoring the problem will most likely result in substance abuse or neurosis, so that isn't the answer either.
Either way, stage four is getting a little old. I'd like to get a free level up to stage five, but I'm pretty sure that isn't how it works. Dammit.
2 comments:
Brilliant post Jaime. In my later years I have taken a sociological approach to religion. It's not essential for everyone but for some it provides a moral compass (although one I don't always agree with). What I think it comes back to is the bible. Who wrote it and what were their motivations behind writing it. Were it a current piece of writing we would want supporting evidence to corroborate everything that was written. As it is a very old (and many times translated) piece of work we have to take it at face value. To my knowledge (and I am no scholar) the bible contains many teachings in it that are no longer followed as they are a disconnect with current society. Perhaps we have reached the time when writings on things like homosexuality, pre-martial sex and women's rights need to be reexamined. My point (and I think I have one) is that maybe you should take a more critical look at the piece of work that all this religion is based upon. Perhaps you would feel less internal turmoil if you could set aside the instruction manual for religion and just be the amazing person that you are without feeling badly that you didn't follow every instruction in this book.
Yeah. Who could follow every instruction in the bible. If that were the case then I should have cut off my right hand for copping a 50 cent toy when I was a kid. Ouch!
The Bible is and always will be an interpretable document. And that is a good thing.
If it was a set of instructions then one could easily argue that The Bible doesn't say not to staple my little sisters lips together so its okay, right?
Those who don't struggle over these matters would seem to be the truly lost ones. Struggle and doubt and searching for some light in the darkness is what scripture is all about. You don't have to read that much of it to see that.
For it would seem that through the struggle we gain wisdom or faith or whatever you want to call. The same way we gain knowledge by reading and questioning, not be absorbing every piece of horse shit spewed by the Fox News cast.
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