I suppose I should start with an apology. At a Christmas party last weekend, a friend furrowed her brow and said "October 22, Jaime. That was your last post." So, dear and faithful readers, I apologize for being such a slacker. The season has been a hectic one, and by the time I get to review the notes I've jotted down for posts, they seem out of date.
One of the things that has added to my inability get anything done is my constant, chronic headaches. For six or so weeks, I've had a blinding headache every day. Now, before you ask "Have you tried..." let me tell you what I've tried. Advil, Nasonex, Sudaphed, Amoxicillin, Claritan, Zyrtec, sinus washes, Afrin, Excedrin, Tylenol 3, Vicodin, Fiorinol and Medrol. I've had a CT scan and an MRI, the results of which we hope to have next week. I'm getting my eyes checked in a few days...
The point of all that is that the process of addressing these headaches has taken a lot of my time. I've found a hilarious and smart internist, so I'm hopeful that we will eventually figure out why my head is being squished by various vices.
Part of the process has included an MRI, which was preceded by a long list of questions. Are you claustrophobic? Afraid of loud noises? Have any shrapnel in your body? I had to take out my nose ring, and laid awake the night before worrying about wearing an underwire bra.
It wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. The tech told me it sounded like a construction site, and gave me earplugs to wear. The whole process took about fifteen minutes, which was twice the amount of time it took me to drive to the place. After ten minutes, he needed to inject some dye into my arm so they could see the blood vessels in my head. I'd feel a pinch, he told me, but it would all be over soon.
"I'm a mom," I told him, "I can take it."
"Yeah, that makes you tough on a lot of levels." Then he scampered back to the booth and started the machine again.
As I stared at the blue stripe on the inside of the machine, I thought about how tough being a mom has made me. A friend told me after the birth of her daughter that she had never known real fear until she had become a parent. I didn't really understand that concept until February 10, 2006 when I had to take a tiny baby home from the hospital and try to take care of it by myself.
There was really only one thing that would have made me come unglued at the MRI, and it had nothing to do with me. The worst thing I could imagine would have been to stand by and watch one of my kids have to experience a test like that.
Motherhood has made me infinitely stronger than I ever thought I would be. At the same time, I am infinitely more vulnerable than I thought possible. The paradox of motherhood seems to be that both ends of the spectrum have expanded, so I am equally tougher and more sensitive.
So I'll take the headaches, and whatever else comes along, and be grateful that it is happening to me and not to one of those amazing, beautiful little miracle children.
2 comments:
My cousin had migraines for a long time, and after lots of negative tests her internist did some sort of allergy testing and found she is allergic to milk. No digestive signs like you would expect, just the migraines. So might be worth asking about allergy testing.
Hope you feel better and get it figured out!
Oh BTW, "Beth" is Beth Grobson, didn't realize my full name doesn't show up.
And my cousin does not have migraines any more, as long as she doesn't eat or drink things with cow's milk in it. Not that you necessarily have a milk allergy, but if you are eating something that sets it off that may be why all those medications haven't worked.
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